host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
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Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
I just tested negative for patience.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Thank you corporation very cool
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!