Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’ve found my new favorite subculture

The pediatrician: What do you eat at your house?
My 5yo: MOSTLY NACHOS
Me: I mean, that’s not ALL we eat, hon.
5yo: YOU ARE RIGHT. WE ALSO EAT COSTCO PIZZA

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying

Botany good plants lately?

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.

Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.

[job interview]

My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar

The government: You’re hired

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away

Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?

Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back

I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants

The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK

*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business

As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son

wife: of course not, where is he

me: I just told you

Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine

My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.

if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or

Hey i am sexy to you now

[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.

guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics

My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”

This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.