Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time

honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice

At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

We’ve all been there

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops

Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation

He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂

If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.

therapist : are you ever worried that-

me: Yes

That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti

Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.

My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly

Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

Me: My Lord will protect me

Muggers: Haha, right-

Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS

It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day

My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.

I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?

Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.

4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.

[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]

You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?

New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?

Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house