host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
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Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Duck typos.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
so weird how every mom was born today
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT