Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?

Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?

People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.

Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

Me: I don’t wanna

waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

Who.
Did.
This?

*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids

Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?

Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!

Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!

but that was my emotional support daylight

A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

B: You mean a choir?

A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.

[supermarket]

Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!

Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*

M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me

M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!

M: *peels a cheddar slice from…

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.

Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”

[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?