HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
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ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Word!
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
shakira sharkira
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom