Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.

Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

Nonmaterial gift ideas:

An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house

[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.

[in the car]

4yo: Can my window go down?

Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?

4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?

Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.

*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*

*I go outside and swing on the swingset*

Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.

So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.

Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:

IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.

“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.

Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.

No one approached me–a reliable stranger–to take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch

ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*

A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*

A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*

A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*

A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mE

A: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi

Chameleon: hold on.

Baking is just science you can eat.

I never needed anything more in my life

Wikigenius

me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip