Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.

Normalize responding to work emails with:

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.

What the hell happened in there??

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.

99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream

Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom

you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.

It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.

[First date]

Her: I like bad boys.

Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.

If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?

Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..

WEBMD: Enter symptoms

Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin

WEBMD: You are a jellyfish

Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.

I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat

The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable