Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
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*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?