Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
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scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.