Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
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Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Ape together strong
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
couldn’t resist
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America