Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.

What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?

He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍

*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

It took me three decades to become an overnight success.

Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.

Then I heard her stomach rumble.

Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears

[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”

No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.

My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.

The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.

Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically

I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.

*gets on knees and undoes your belt*

non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?

My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.

cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please

my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh

inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..

The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.

I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.