Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.

My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard

But only one at a time because quarantine

Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂

ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”

My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩

“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe

jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross

I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.

Free him

triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.

My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.

It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.

Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow

Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.

Ideas for getting more exercise:

– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle

7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?

Me: I’m going to be completely hones-

7: *begins crying*

Me: Daddy did. He totally did.

“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

[first date]

date: i’m an optimist

me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair