Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]

Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!

95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there

That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags

Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin

What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?

Icy dead people…

When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.

Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries

The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.

Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.

Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it

[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes

I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*

Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”

I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.

It’s called “Miso Sad.”

I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.

“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.

People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.

Me: BEAN!!! Come here!

9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public

Me: Beanie Baby?

D: Mom. No.

Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-

D: MOM!!!

Her: No filter!

Me: Add one tho

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.

[teaching teen to drive]

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.

Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?

Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*