Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

men: i like the natural no makeup look

me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN

I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!

*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.

Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.

6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.

With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4

Taco Bell

Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment

Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?

Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you

Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!

Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.

Diabetes: you’re my type.

Me: you’re my type 2

Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough

sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”

I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*

My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me

A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.

Credit: Orawan Thongchinda

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”

“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”