Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hurricane Diary

Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster

Day 2)I am out of snacks

[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]

Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!

My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.

My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?

When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes

Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.

People:

I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…

I’m back.

I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.

Well, that didn’t work.

Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.

Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh

A small tragedy.

Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?

Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.

I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn’t.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don’t own a dog.

Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea

Me: ooo I love diarrhea

Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.

BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?

“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.

Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.

Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.

Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.