Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
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Taco Bell, Exit 22
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
The cake is mightier than the sword.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️