Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?

I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”

If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.

[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]

me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…

her: definitely

me: [turns to walk away]

her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?

Spotted in New Orleans.

me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no

as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

*Queen bee in hive*

“You, go pollinate flowers”

“You, go make some honey”

“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘effusive’

“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”

That is correct. What was your name?

“It’s Siv”

I know lmao [hi5s other judge]

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.

No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.

if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you

I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.

*gets on knees and undoes your belt*

My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”

Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.

A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich

Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

[First day as a psychic]

Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.

Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.