Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Police: Pull over and stop!

Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?

Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!

Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!

this isn’t threatening at all

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

HER: I’ve missed you so badly.

ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!

anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

[watching christmas movie]

Me: who’s your favorite character?

Daughter: I like the grinch.

Me: but he’s the bad guy.

Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.

Me:

Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.

A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.

The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.

In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.

Broke my make-up mirror this morning.

I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”

Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.

[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

You say you’re a stoner?

Name every stone then

My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.

[3am – a knock on the door]

me: jfc do u know what time it is?

salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time

me: *considers intensely* come in

If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.

Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though

HOW DARE YOU

Me: [watching football]

Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]

Announcer: That was a huge sack!

Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK

People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”

me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here

Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”