Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.

Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.

WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT

doctor: drugs have destroyed your body

me: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

me: only i can see him

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”

Me:

“Either shave your legs or kiss me”

ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime

DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?

ME: this chair isn’t regulation height

Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?

Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.

Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.

Me:

“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches

Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96

School supply list: box of 18 crayons

centaur: I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.

The rest of the year

May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators

[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]

ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer

Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.

So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.

Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

Dear Diary,

– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”

~ Tom Hiddleston

You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.