Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
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My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
FRED: right
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.