hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
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Haha! 😂
I’d … I’d rather not.
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
My circle of trust is a meatball
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”