hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
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Waiting for the Charmin
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
hmm conte-me mais
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
That’s fair
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield