Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.

[Hunting Robots]

Me: You a robot?

Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*

M: Hm. That checks out.

I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.

*first day as zookeeper

(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”

“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”

– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores

[antique store]

customer: I want something new for my living room

me: do… do you know what antique means

Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil

Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.

Pick it up.

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials

The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10

Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter

I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.

I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now

Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.

She loves me

[forgets to run the dishwasher]

She loves me not

7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids

Kids are such fast learners these days

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

I texted my ex,

I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.

*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what

God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean

Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands

*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW

My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.

Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.

Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.

it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name