Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.

When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.

That’s me in a nutshell.

Her: Do you wanna do it?

Me: Do what?

Her: It.

Me: What’s it?

Her: You know… It.

Me: Oh… I call first player.

Her: Wait, what?

It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.

Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?

Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!

Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever

Them: they were singing happy birthday to me

when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”

when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao

Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.

Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.

sure we’re surviving 2019

but at what cost

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.

The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB

Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.

Always a metermaid never a meter

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

Lol.

Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.

If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity

cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)

My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up

DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.

I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years