Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.

Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.

Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”

Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.

I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.

Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.

Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.

Him: You know why.

Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*

current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?

I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.

Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy

ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!

[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.

imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit

“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.

A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]

Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.

Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.

I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”