Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*

My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did

If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.

A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.

Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.

You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan

1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children

If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.

*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*

Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…

worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it

Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥

We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried

Caesar [dying]: remember me

Soldier: we will name a salad after you

Caesar: ok

Soldier: with stale chunks of bread

Caesar: actually nev-

Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese

Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me

A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?

Him: why do you keep poking me ?

Her: I’m looking for the mute button

Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )

6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?

Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?

6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.

[my first day as a mechanic]

customer: i need an oil change

me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change