Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted

Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

Date: You seem close to your mom

Me: I am

Mom: It is a small table for 3

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole

A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”

I could have died and those would have been my last words

My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.

Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.

Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.

*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..

No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.

One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?

Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him

Son: So he’s like 100 years old?

Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.

[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already

6-year-old: Spill me some milk.

Me: You mean “pour.”

6: Not the way you do it.

On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

*forces square peg into round hole

Round hole: wrong hole.

Waitress: Is everything ok?

Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”

“There are four of us.”

“You heard me.”

But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?