Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.
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In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
i feel so bad i refunded him
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.