Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.
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I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)
Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?
Me: uh… someone from Virginia
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
happy halloween
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.