Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]

all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER

A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again

Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

Oh, you fell in love?!

I fell in my bathtub.

Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*

I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.

“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”

ME: No, you’re still grounded

“No fair!”

ME: Yes, that’s what I said

Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.

What makes us human?

Selecting all images with traffic lights

SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:

was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?

ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?

6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…

Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.

6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.

So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer

Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’

[Blind date]

Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?

Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake

Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater

Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss

“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.

My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE

Me: *gives her a little bit*

My Dog: I have diarrhea

cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you

Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!

Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy

“I like to get off on the right foot.”

“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”