Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

Best correction of the day, if not ever:

[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky

*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*

you learn something new every day oh god make it stop

A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground

Attention children:

Mom is closed.

Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.

Just be glad I don’t have kids.

normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes

The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.

Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from

My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship

I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18

Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

LOL at people with only 99 problems

What’s that like?

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.

Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.

turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU

I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.

Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.

WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?

ME: *climbing in* I can try

Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?

Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.

Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.

Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.

My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.

Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.