Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
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Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Ok, but like, how married are you?
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
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I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.