Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda

Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album

When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that

My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.

Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder

Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

God, I love Scotland

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces

me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.

Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?

On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.

“Are you mad at me?”

No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.

A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.

On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.

Only while supplies last.

Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet

Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?

His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers

My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”

If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.

Me: I’m terrible at fractions

Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day

A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”