Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.

My in-laws visited today.

FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.

My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?

I love my son.

I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.

Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.

Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.

ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho

Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down

(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.

Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!

Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.

A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?

Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.

Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.

love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.

1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.

[Outside liquor store]

Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?

Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.

North and South

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

Me: *making tea*

Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!

Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.