Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

Schrödinger’s cookie

Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.

[fraud trial]

Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?

Defendant: no– they all actually exist

Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*

coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.

Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.

If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?

Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.

“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”

*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”

A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM

Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.

your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

Give me Players for $500 Alex

“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”

What is checkmate?

“Wrong! What is your sex life”

Me: I’m feeling my age today.

Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.

Me: Your sister is my favorite.

My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad

Drive-thru: Dressing?

Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car

let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!

My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??

Me: [Walks into kitchen]

[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]

Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?

Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…

Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!