[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
You Might Also Like
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER