[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
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If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.
Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
R.I.P.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:
Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie