[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
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IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Good morning
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.