[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
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My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”