Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”![]()
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
![]()
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.