Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire

If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question

Noah

Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.

Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.

Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation

Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.

I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE

That time Alicia messaged me

MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo

Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.

My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”

That is because they also stole the fence.

Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?

He has notifications on for me pray for his phone

*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family

*doesn’t die

son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”

I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.

S O O N

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

Horrifying if literal: a handbag

[having sex]

Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.

Her in her head: This could have been an email.