Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?

JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?

French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.

Me: Where’s the 5th?

FG: Cinq.

When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.

I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know

Alexa; make it look like an accident

I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?

If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:

1.) Tortilla chips

Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”

Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.

My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.

Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.

Then they finished in eight.

Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.

Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe

Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will

Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think

HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?

Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.

[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-

Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,

You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos

Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.

Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?

Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*

Nick Fury: Holy shit!

The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.

“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord

Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?

My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.

RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?

Me: Ah-woooo!

The Moon: [swipes left]

I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.

My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.

Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.

Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.