Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…

Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?

do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem

[the middle of showering] I need a break

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.

SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

her: I don’t feel like talking

me: uh oh, is it me?

her: not at all, I’m having a hard time

me: uh oh, what did I do?

her: no no, a family member died

me: uh oh, did I kill them?

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease

One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.

My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy

‘What’s that smell?’

‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’

‘This is your car’

Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.

Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?

Her: Yeah, a little…

Me: I was talking to my mom!

Mom: No, I’m fine.

how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05

how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-

Me: Yes, I know…the drill.

My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”

ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing

by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die

[interview]

What is your biggest weakness?

“Sometimes I’m too succinct”

Can you give an example?

“Yes”

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.

I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc

Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?

Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!

B: here’s your coffee. $12.32

M: thank you

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw