Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded

I will never stop laughing at this

There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school

Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?

My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.

We’re prime-mates.

I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

dream jobs:

• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village

My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child

Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…

My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful

That’s it.I’m out.

date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens

me: OMG!

date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two

me: phew

date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running

Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.

You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?

Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit

I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.

The grumpy one is crab B.

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.

With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.

Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.

Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…