Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
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Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in