Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”

Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.

*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no

A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.

Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*

My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.

I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor

If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month

How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?

Ewok’d the rest of the way.

#BearDay #RubbishJokes

My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.

(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”

“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”

“FALSE ADVERTISING!”

the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip

[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]

“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?