Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
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Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
they should invent a rest for the wicked
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?