Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
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My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!