Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
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fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Oh no
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
shit just got real
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.