Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
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I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future