Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
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He is just living hist best little life 😊
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
guys I’m going home
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
