Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
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(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.
These aliens are taking forever.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
If you breakdance you buy dance.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Spotted in the wild
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.