Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership

I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”

Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.

Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*

Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff

*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing

“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.

me: woah real life russian dolls

midwife: get out

There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.

[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.

I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.

I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes

Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]

my mom making me talk to relatives

i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”

[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?

“Abolishing slavery.”

And…

“Slaying vampires.”

Very good.

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

LMAO.

Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.

Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*

Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware

The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person