Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
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That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.