“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
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I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.