Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
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There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.