Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
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ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.