Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.

Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.

It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.

[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.

GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me

ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect

ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.

Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there

If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.

Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him

40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕

day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.

*Making friends at the playground*

My 6yo: How old are you?

Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?

6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.

My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.

ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.

Friend: *finger guns*

Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no

*couple walking through the house they just bought*

Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!

Wife: Really?

H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.

*later*

Friend: Is there an attic?

Husband: No.

turtles are just lizards who work in construction

I can’t stand when people need constant validation online. Like, comment, and retweet if you agree.

We told you to stop at 2012

– the mayans

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.