Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?

If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

me: [pooping in a basket]

hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.

Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?

Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…

I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.

Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.

While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off

I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”

Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.

Mothra: [flying around]

Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]

[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]

the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah

According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.

I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.

sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete

Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.

“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”

Brain: Magical!

We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..

How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.

You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.

A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!

Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night

7: I want to be next to you

Me: Aww that’s so swee…

7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag

Me:

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!

Teen: rolls eyes