Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry

Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.

[first time skydiving]

me: oh no my charcuterie board

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will

HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform

you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat

the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”

All I want for Christmas is you.

Buried in my backyard.

*Guy tries giving me his phone number*

Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one

Become ungovernable.

“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”

Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty

Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.

Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering

Nephew: It’s only August

Me: March lasted fifty years

My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.

*walks into starbucks*

Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!

*has choice of any table*

*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.

The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.

Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?

Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?

Him: Not funny.

You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.

You can’t have both.

Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?