Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.

[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”

Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”

I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.

“TGIM!” – My liver

Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.

The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work

The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite

I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.

Veteran Parent Tip:

Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”

Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.

*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.

I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.

i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…

Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.