Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Professor X: What’s your superpower?

Me: I turn positives into negatives.

Confessor X: Oh.

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday

JOKER: Why so serious

ME: Have you seen the news?

JOKER: Ok fair

All generalizations are stupid.

i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”

A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.

Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.

Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?

me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better

*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.

[class trip]

I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm

DO U HAVE COWS?

Yes, it’s a dairy farm

DO U HAVE WHALES?

Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?

in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone

Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.

If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone

[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors

i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.

I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.

I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top

Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.