Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit

Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit

“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”

“my name is Denise”

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams

Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.

Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.

I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.

“You are what you eat.”

I’m about 90% burrito.

When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.

My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.

Her: Do you wanna do it?

Me: Do what?

Her: It.

Me: What’s it?

Her: You know… It.

Me: Oh… I call first player.

Her: Wait, what?

I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.

*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth

YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…

Oh

girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days

You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.

Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime

Me flirting: So do you like bread

HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island

ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island

H: Ok so that was easy

when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.

When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.

wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?

Me: Have a taste of your own medicine

*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*

Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.

If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday

My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.

My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.