Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not

Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.

Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.

Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.

ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be

i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way

In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.

How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”

ME: We’re all out of beef

CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken

ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?

Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer

*temp reaches 95 degrees*

Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is

Nobody:

4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?

[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]

No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.

Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.

Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.

“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing

I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane

My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

[bean naming]

Angel: okay, this one?

God: it’s black, so black bean

A: and this?

G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!

A: k, and this one?

G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!

A: … dude, you alright?

Ugh