Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
You Might Also Like
the last thing a carrot sees
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.