Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
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Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
This was the best day of my life
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Barbie gone wild
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God