*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
You Might Also Like
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.