(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
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oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?