Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?

Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.

I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.

Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van

It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo

Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*

Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!

Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?

Wife:

Me: Omelette you eat now

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct

6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.

Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”

“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”

Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad

Me: add to cart

My therapist: no

[walking out of bathroom]

me: oh boy, do NOT go in there

*guy walks in anyway*

*comes out screaming*

me: ya it’s like super haunted

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:

“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”

Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”

I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.

Fly is dead.

I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…

Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”

– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum

flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker