(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
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My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
me and my fake scenarios
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend